


Orange fuckers, but not like oompa loompas

by Anonymous



Series: Eddie's lungs aren't the only thing that's long [3]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Crack and Angst, Fruit, Full on crack, Gay, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, Gore, IT'S A JOKE, M/M, Sad, Spaghetti, THEY ARE AGED UP, We're sorry, chlorine juice, crackfic, eddie has a fruit fetish, fruit fetish, gregory explodes, reddie uwu, so does richie, wacc, we didn't wanna make it weird
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:33:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23953882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Richie and Eddie battle gregory once and for all, accompanied by fruit fantasies and goldfish.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Gregory the goose/the scaly murder culprits
Series: Eddie's lungs aren't the only thing that's long [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1783456
Kudos: 2
Collections: Anonymous





	Orange fuckers, but not like oompa loompas

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY SO ME AND MY WIFE WRITE ANOTHER CRACKFIC AND WE USE FUCK A LOT AND WE JOKINGLY MADE EDDIE AND RICHIE WANT TO FUCK FRUIT SO WE'RE SORRY PLEASE DON'T READ IT IF YOU DON'T LIKE REALLY DUMB HUMOUR  
> anyways warnings for that as well as gore and animal death
> 
> btw this is part 3 of my manz richie got heccin skadooshed and crack is all i wish for when i age

  
’“I wanna fuck an orange.” 

Eddie blinked, & paused, trying to process this. Somehow his mind had started contemplating if fruit kinks exist, and then how unhygienic that would be, jesus ew okay. He shook his head and met the eyes of the one to blame for these thoughts. 

At a loss for words he deadpanned, "What?" Trying his absolute hardest to sound as exasperated as possible. “What the fuck?!” God he needed his inhaler, but there were better things to suck on...mmmm…..lemons. OH GOD NO. 

Darren would be so pissed right now. But like, fuck Darren, fucking grapefruit, not literally of course for the love of god. Welp, better go swimming to cleanse his soul with tasty tasty chlorine cos damn these thoughts are wacccccccccccc. 

The next thing he knows, he’s been teleported in a mcfuggin pool, the sudden change in scenery making a “Booooooooof '' sound. He looks around and sighs gratefully, glad to be cleansed of his impure, fruity fantasies. Closing his eyes, he sinks into the water, and lo and behold at the bottom of the pool, lies a watermelon. ‘Damn, she dummy thicc’ he thought, tempted to ram his face into the tiled floor because god fucking dammit, he was not going to become a fruit fucker. 

Thankfully, someone else shoved him into the ground for him, that someone was richard. Once they resurfaced, Eddie stared at him, deadpanning.  
“Well well well, if it isn’t bitchie richie.”  
“EDDIE TORCHIETTI!!! Sorry about that, the last thing i heard was ‘booooooooof’ and then boom, i’m swimmin’ in chlorine juice”  
“Well you’re hardly swimmin’, more like distracting me from those melons”  
Richie blushed profusely until he realised that Eddie was pointing to some actual melons on the pool floor. God fucking dammit. “Did you mean that sexually?”  
“Shut up, i don’t have a fruit fetish.”  
“I meant the word melons, i never mentioned a fruit fetish, are you okay?”  
Eddie kicked him in his shrivelled limp chicken lookin ass face and shrieked  
“I’VE NEVER BEEN OKAY. I HATE MY LIFE.”  
Richmond then suddenly burst from the surface of the water. “RIGEDDTONI, THE FUCKING MELON IS GREG!” 

‘Twas an awful realisation for the midget, as when he turned to face the former watermelon, he was met with the sight of a green goose head being carried by several menacing goldfish. Shocked and traumatised, the short pasta noodle began to hiss like a cat, being the fucking fruit fucking fetishizing fucking furry that he is. 

Richie stared in confusion as the boiyo who he had the big gay for meowed and growled at these fast-approaching, horrifying goldfish. Their intent was malicious, and he could see it in their empty, unfocused eyes, alongside Gregory. He didn’t know if they would make it out of this alive, trapped in the confines of the magic swimming pool alongside their psychotic, mentally scarring enemies. 

Even worse, was that these small, scaly creatures were smiling. It would seem innocent and cute if they were your everyday feeder fish in the bowl on your desk, but these were the culprits of the scaly murders. They glimmered under the rippling water of the pool, in shining blurs of orange, and it struck Richie to his very core. 

The empty, yet uncaring expressions on the fish’s faces was enough to traumatise him for life, with their maniacal, gaping toothless grins. They were like emptied out caverns in the creatures’ faces, wide and unnatural, like canyons digging into their empty, heartless souls. The only thing these adorable goldfish held was pure, burning evil. 

The same could not however be said for Gregory. He had teeth. Loads of teeth. So many teeth. 

“Eds my spagett please tell me you brought swords again, preferably multiple” 

“Richie you dumb gay bitch, i came here” lol came “to cleanse my soul of my ungodly fruity fantasies” He licked his lips and Richie was struck with a deep mixture of both confusion and fear. 

“Edward…..what were you going to do with those melons?” Richie asked with a shaky whisper, and Eddie shed a singular, sparkling tear. 

“I wanted to fuck it, Richmond” The salty droplet rolled down his cheek, mixing with the chlorine filled water coating his skin as his voice caught in his throat. He put his head in his hands and sobbed. “I’M AN 18 YEAR OLD GAY VIRGIN AND I WANNA FUCK THE ENTIRETY OF MY FRUIT BOWL!” 

This broke Richie’s heart, for he felt the same way. He actually had his whole life. But before he could reminisce about the time wasted not fucking fruits with the love of his life, Gregory made a soul-wrenching sound. The bois’ whipped their heads around, having almost forgotten the goose demon. Now Gregory was showing off its teeth alright, some teeth that could easily crush both of ‘em right there. Its eyes however said something more like “what the fuck my dudes, i’m still gonna eat you but y’all have problems” 

Gregory - while still keeping eye contact - did some sort of ancient, mesmerising necc dance, the movement being almost hypnotic in its grotesque yet eerie beauty. The bois were helplessly trapped in their complete and uncut shock, almost entranced by the way the neon green goose 

neck twisted and waved before them when this turned out to be the signal for the goldfish to attacc. 

“WAIT!” Richie yelled, his voice cracking embarrassingly like Gregory's neck was about to due to his panicked state. He slowly opened his eyes today to see the evil fuckers only inches from chewing off their skin. “You fucking ugly goose,” damn, Richmond Virginia-Francis Tozier, king of roasts “you think it’s so easy to judge, just living your privileged goose life, attacking children and vibing. You’ll never know what it’s like to go day after day craving the sweet, moist ,juiciness of putting ur tiny shrimp pp in a melon. Not like dear edmund here. Not like…. Not like me.” 

Eddie gheezed. With pure willpower, he managed to tear his eyes away from the voids of the goldfishes' soulless orbs. He felt a tiny spark of hope in the core of his soul, could it be? He met the eyes of the other boi with pure admiration and lust, his deep irises sparkling with an inkling of hope. “R-richie… are you saying- you- you too?” 

Richie was bawling his eyes out at this point. “Yes my dear, sweet Edmund, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you earlier” 

Gregory watched the bois hug, cry and bond over their shared interest. Witnessing the confrontation was literally mind blowing. Like, Greg’s head fucking exploded, making a "Booooooooof '' sound. 

Then suddenly, the two miserable gays were covered from head to toe in thick, dripping blood. The metallic scent filled the air, choking them with how it overwhelmed the chlorine. It swirled mostly through the ripples on the surface of the water in deep, crimson streaks, stained orange as they began to further dilute into the once pristine pool. 

Thick, dripping chunks of flesh floated to the surface, stringy with threads of torn nerves and tendons dangling from the exposed meat on the inside. They oozed with both water and blood, the concoction vile as it stained the remains of the goose’s green feathers. 

The boy’s stared horrified as the viscera slid down their, now stained scarlet, skin. Looking down at themselves, in abject horror, they began to shriek. 

In the midst of screaming Richie felt something wet on his leg, wetter than the water they were in of course. He looked down to find the evil goldfish from before- “OH FUCK NO EDDIE THEY’RE LICKING THE GOOSE BLOOD ON OUR FRITATA-ING LEGS” 

Eddie’s eyes widened comically “EW NONONONO THIS IS SO FUCKING UNSANITARY OH MY FUCKING FUCK FUCKEDY FUCK WAFFLE”. Still screaming, they both got the fuck out of 

the water and far away from the soulless demons, Richie couldn’t believe he actually referred to them as goldfish before. They were probably Sven and Gregs’ inbred fucking demon children from a foursome with an orange and a dragon. He lowkey wanted in on that- 

But Richie didn’t get to finish the thought. 

Simultaneously Eddie heard a faint splash to his right. Expecting to meet Richie’s terrified and slightly turned on expression, but instead finding that the other boy was gone. He looks down, panicked, to find a plump, round, luscious orange. With skin that reminded him of leaves during autumn. For the 1234432 time that day, Eddie began to cry. For he knew that the orange was in fact Richie. Then Eddie began to laugh while crying, because, while this meant he’d never get to speak to the love of his life again, he still, get this, turned himself into an orange and it was the funniest shit he’d ever seen. 

**Author's Note:**

> we're so sorry. You were warned.


End file.
